Arguing Over Household Chores?

When I was married, my husband was laid off three times in five years. When he would get laid off, I would increase my teaching for the Red Cross to help keep some money coming in — leaving him with the kids while I went and worked from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. So I’ve been both the stay-home mom and the go-out breadwinner.

As the primary breadwinner, you’re exhausted when you get home from a long day’s slog in the office. It’s even worse if your job keeps you on your feet all day long. All you want to do is veg. Completely and totally turn off your brain, put up your feet, and have a drink — preferably a drink that will put you into a complete stupor. You don’t want to look at paperwork, push a broom, wash a dish, or, really, even breathe.

As the stay-home mom, you’re exhausted when 5:30 hits, too. You’ve been chasing down active kids all day long, and putting out “fires” wherever you can. All you want to do is turn the kids over to someone else and go take a long bath (to get the sand, Kool-Aid, and spit-up out of your skin and hair), then put up your feet and veg. The drink, at this point, is optional. You’re already in a stupor and are completely on auto-pilot.

There is much to be said for the idea that the person who stays home should be the one to maintain the home — within reason, of course. The stay-home person should be getting meals, doing laundry, keeping floors and counters clean, etc. In other words, they should be the home-maker — the one who makes the house a home. However, that does not mean that the breadwinner should not help out in the home. There are times when the chores just get on top of a person, no matter  how hard they try.

If your spouse is a stay-home parent with children who are home all day long, then the two of you need to understand that your spouse’s primary job has shifted. S/he’s not able to properly rear the children and maintain the home alone. That’s like asking your secretary to also manage the IT department while continuing her role as your secretary. At some point, one or the other of the jobs is going to get so big that the other will suffer. Horrendously.

The primary breadwinner and the primary home-keeper get at loggerheads because there is simply too much for even two people to do in maintaining a home, rearing and educating children, ensuring financial security, and maintaining family and social ties. So it is important that the two of them sit down and talk about what’s going on and how they can divide the tasks that need to be done.

The breadwinner needs to recognize that staying home is just as demanding a job as being an executive administrative assistant. No matter how well a day may be planned, no matter what great intentions there are at the beginning of the day, things get thrown off-kilter quickly as child 1 falls and skins his knee, necessitating a trip to the bathroom for iodine and a bandage, then the phone rings and it’s your mother telling you that your father was just taken to the hospital, and then the front doorbell rings and it’s the meterman who needs to be let into the gate to read the meter … and it goes on and on, and suddenly it’s 5:30, the house is a wreck, your spouse will be home in half an hour, and you’ve accomplished “nothing” all day. It makes you want to sit down and cry, or engage in some serious primal scream therapy — except that screaming scares the kids.

The stay-homer needs to realize that going out into the world and fighting to earn a living is just as stressful as having to cope with the endless interruptions and burdens of the stay-home day. Office politics are just as draining as chasing two toddlers around. No matter what the breadwinner’s job, there are stresses that simply will knock him/her to the ground and make them scream in agony.

Once both partners have recognized that, by 5:30, both of them want to scream, kill something, or lock themselves in a closet for a year, it becomes easier to plan. One idea is to have a kid-free half hour, where the kids play quietly in their own rooms while the parents unwind and maybe snuggle a bit. This should be done just after the breadwinnder gets home. Also, the children should be in bed by 8:30. They should not come out of their rooms after that time for any reason. Older kids may be allowed to read until 9, but all kids’ lights should be out by 9, so that the parents can have an hour of time strictly to themselves.

It’s also a good idea to have a “clock-out” time for the stay-home parent, so that s/he does not begin to feel like someone who’s on call 24/7. If, after 5:30, the stay-home parent can be in “home mode” rather than “work mode,” greater satisfaction and great efficiency will result. This means that no non-crucial chores are done after “clock-out” time. If you were supposed to wash the windows, but it didn’t get done, then it waits until tomorrow. Obviously, getting meals and cleaning them up is a crucial chore, as is bathing the kids. But those chores can be shared among the family so that everyone can relax and “play” when they are done.

Perhaps it would be helpful to hire out whatever tasks the budget will support. Having someone come in once a week — or even every two weeks — to clean floors, bathrooms, etc., will take a tremendous burden off of the stay-home parent. Having someone handle regular lawn tasks, like mowing, edging, raking, removing sticks, mulching flowerbeds, etc., can take pressure off of both spouses. If the budget won’t support outside help, then talk about who likes/hates or is good at/is terrible at different tasks. If your wife hates to clean the bathrooms, but it doesn’t really bother you too much, then you clean the baths and let her handle vacuuming and dusting the living areas. If you hate to handle the bills, but your wife loves it, let her handle the finances. The only rule that is necessary is that the spouse who is not responsible for an area is not allowed to complain or criticize. The person who is doing the task does it his/her way to the best of his/her ability. If you don’t like the way your spouse cleans the bathroom, then you need to take on that task yourself.

You can also “bulk up” on tasks. For example, ship the kids off to grandma’s and spend a whole weekend together preparing entrees that can be defrosted and prepared a month from now. Lasagna, chicken rolls, casseroles, bread dough, and numerous other dishes can be made as much as a month ahead and frozen for “painless” preparation later. All you do is add simple side dishes to complete the meal. When the kids are old enough to help, they can open cans, chop veggies, and so on, making it a family project.

You can divide tasks up so that they don’t take as long. For instance, my grandparents both worked all day. When they got home, Grandma would prepare a meal for the family (four people), then she and mom would clean the kitchen while Grandpa vacuumed the floor and my uncle cleared the table and took out the trash. With four people handling meal cleanup, they were done in less than 15 minutes. My parents, on the other hand, wanted to be together, so Mom washed dishes and cleaned the counters and table while Dad rinsed, dried, and put away dishes.

Also realise that some life events will interfere with the best-made plans. When I was pregnant, I could not bend over to clean the tub. I was also unable to be in the house while food was cooking, because the smells made me ill. We had to adjust our plans to fit the situations that we found ourselves in.

Finally, it’s important to realize that you are responsible for your own happiness. If something bothers you, take care of it — with a nice attitude. You can discuss it with your spouse later to see if this is a job you need to do on a regular basis, or whether it’s just something that got left out due to unusual circumstances.

Tags: chores, Family Life, marriage, relationships, stay-home mom, Work Life