Thinking About Relationships
Back in July, another blogger asked what qualities a woman looked for in a single father. I’ve been thinking lately about the things that I look for in any relationship. I admit it. It’s lonely being a single mom. I would love to have someone to share my life with…
Someone to hold me tight when life gets hellish. Someone to change the light bulbs and kill the roaches. Someone to fend off the predatory men who try to pick lone women up in restaurants and shops. Someone to share the joys and fears of parenthood with. Someone to pray with and laugh with and sing with. Someone who won’t laugh at me when I do something stupid, but who will make it all right. Someone who will share his feelings and his thoughts, and let me share mine. Someone to walk with in the early morning…God, what I wouldn’t give for a man to hold hands with in the early dawn and walk barefoot down the sandy beach, not even talking, just being together. Someone to surprise me with flowers–it gets awfully boring buying them for yourself. Someone I don’t feel like I have to act with, but someone who likes me for who I am.
But I got to thinking: how would I know I’d found the right one? I made a horrible mess last time; what’s to keep me from doing the same thing again? So I read over the list I wrote in response to FlyinLion’s question, and I thought, you know, these are the qualities you’d want in any relationship — not just one with a single father.
2. A strong faith in God, and commitment to His service.
3. A strong work ethic and sense of responsibility.
4. The ability to take responsibility for his own mistakes rather than blaming others for the bad things that happen to him.
5. Self-confidence, not conceit, but the confidence to believe that he is a worthwhile person while not being threatened by my or the children’s successes and abilities. Confidence enough to, in fact, encourage me and the children to stretch our horizons and abilities. To want to watch us blossom and excel beyond our dreams, and to sincerely rejoice when we succeed.
6. The ability to discuss, negotiate, and compromise in order to reach consensus with another.
7. Understanding that love is not an ooshy-gooshy feeling, but a choice and a commitment to the well-being of another person. That sometimes love requires tolerance and understanding, but other times it requires confrontation and insistence on change.
8. Understanding of what authority means and how it is properly exercised.
9. Understanding of finance and the ability to control money; willingness to set up and stick to a written budget.
10. A good sense of romance, but also a strong practical side. I don’t want to get a blow dryer for Christmas, but I also don’t want to be plunged into debt for a bauble that we can’t afford.
11. The ability to commiserate sincerely when others are hurt physically or emotionally, but also the ability to be a “tower of strength” when needed.
12. A sense of adventure, but not rashness. Someone who would enjoy hiking or rapelling or surfing, but who wouldn’t force you to go bungie-jumping or sky-diving. Respectful of fears and mindful of safety, but not too scared to try new things.
13. Honesty about previous relationship(s). Why did they end? If the latter, what kind of relationship did he have with any former spouses?
14. Willingness to take a good, long time to get to know each other before getting serious or talking about marriage as more than an abstract concept.
15. Patience, kindness, tolerance, and firmness with all children, including his own, mine, and even the ill-behaved monsters that one encounters in restaurants and other public places. By firmness, I mean the ability to make a child obey without raising his voice or getting violent, while having the confidence to expect and require obedience.
16. Willingness to meet my parents and submit to whatever scrutiny or inquiry they may have about him. A strong friendship with my Dad will be crucial. A similar friendship with my brothers is desirable.
17. Willingness to forgo physical involvement until after marriage, and willingness to undergo long-term relationship counseling if the relationship should progress to engagement.
18. Willingness to wait to meet my kids until I feel comfortable with him doing so, and then willingness to either take the kids along on dates or work around their visitation with former spouse(s).
19. Willingness to help with household chores and yard work, and with rearranging the furniture every so often.
20. Willingness to sacrifice for the good of others. To be willing to give up his wants to please another person.
Maybe these seem ridiculous, or lofty — too exacting. Well, the advantage — or disadvantage — that I have is that I’ve done this before. I settled for less than the best. I settled for someone I knew had problems and issues. I settled for someone I didn’t really know. I compromised what I’d always dreamed of. I believed that a frog could turn into a prince if kissed often enough by the right princess. My frog didn’t just stay a frog, he became a poison arrow frog. I don’t believe in frog princes any more. And I’m going to hang on — however long it may take — until the real prince shows up. Looking and acting like a prince. I thought of the potential the first time around. This time, hang potential. I want achievement.