My Stupid Talent

I am weird. Everyone who knows me, even on a slight basis, knows this. But my weirdness isn’t just that I dress funny and use words no one else ever heard of, and both read and proofread everything I see.

My best talent is getting hurt. Only I never get hurt normally. You know, most accident-prone people break arms, or legs, or get badly banged up falling down stairs. Not me.

I practise karate in class two to three times a week, plus wherever I can fit in a few minutes during the day almost every day. And I do an intense stretching and toning routine once a week. You’d think it would make sense that I’d get hurt in karate class or while stretching. But no. Not me.

A full list of all the weird injuries I’ve sustained over the years would take up too much space … and would probably bore everyone silly. But here are a few highlights from the past few years.

I went bowling with some friends three or four years ago. I picked up my ball from the return, hefted it comfortably into my hands, and turned to face the pins. I took three steps forward, walking at a normal stride and pace, and ruptured my left gastrocnemius. It was months before I could walk comfortably again, and that muscle still gripes at me if I stretch it too hard.

I forget the exact circumstances, but I ruptured my right gastrocnemius under even less stressful activity. If I remember correctly, I was just walking to or from my car in a level parking area, when I felt the muscle go “pop” and found myself unable to put any weight on my right leg. Again, months to heal, and still a nagging annoyance when I work out strenuously.

In 2008, I broke a bunch of bone fragments into the joint of my right big toe. The toe had been bothering me for a while — just aching and tender — and this is how we found out that I’d unknowingly injured it in the past and had an arthritic joint: I was sitting at a table in the company break-room. I finished my snack and got up to return to my desk. Only I caught my big toe in the open end of the table’s tubular support, and bent it backward and sideways. “Snap!” That one took surgery to repair. Sigh. Who gets their big toe caught in a table leg, for heaven’s sakes?!

And now, at the height of holiday shopping and partying, I’ve done it again. Only the circumstances were even more innocuous. If that’s possible. I was headed to a meeting of my professionals group on Monday night. This was our annual holiday “party,” which consists of dinner at a nice restaurant, various holiday-themed games, and maybe a bit of carol-singing. Not terribly strenuous. No dancing, and no alcohol.

I didn’t even make it to the party before I got hurt. I got out of my car at the restaurant and started walking toward the front door. I was wearing supportive, comfortable running shoes … it’s not like I was in heels or anything. But all of a sudden, I hear a “snap,” feel something in my foot go “twang” like a busted guitar string, and lose the ability to put weight on my right foot. I hobbled into the dinner, hobbled home, and did the whole Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation thing. It was still impossible to walk on that foot this morning.

So I went to my wonderful foot doctor, who tells me that I strained or tore the muscles in my arch. How the heck? I was walking for pete’s sake. In tennis shoes. On a flat surface. It’s not like I was in my fancy little high-heeled strappy sandals and running up steps or trying to dance.

I mean, really. Couldn’t I get hurt kicking the tar out of something at karate class? You know, coming down funny on a jump-spin kick or something? At least I’d have been having fun. And it sound so much more … intelligent. “I got hurt in karate class.” vs. “I got hurt walking into Frank Grisanti’s.” You gotta watch those raviolis … they’re dangerous.

So now I get a minimum of two weeks in a walking cast, no karate or weight-bearing or stretching, and minimal driving. I suppose I should be grateful. There were only three karate classes left this year anyway, and then class would be adjourned until the first Tuesday of the new year. The injury is more annoying than serious. It should heal fairly quickly and without lasting effect. But I would just like to be normal, you know?

Tags: challenges, Family Life, humour, injury, karate, pain, scars, True Stories, Work Life