Wifely Submission
Just a few things that I really think it’s important that people think of when looking at this issue.
One thing I’ve recently learned that adds a whole new dimension to what I’m going to say about submission is that God’s purpose for marriage was companionship. Not procreation, not sexual gratification, but companionship. God looked at the man wandering around the world, and even though the man was hanging out with God and you’d think that would be the most Perfect Companion anyone could want, God said, “It’s not good for man to be alone.” So God made woman. We’re created and matched up to be companions to one another. The sex and the kids and all that other stuff are bonuses. The main thing is not to be alone. A marriage that fails to provide companionship is failing in its most important function. And with that failure, it follows that there will be problems, and that the issue of submission will arise.
Submission is a gift from the wife to the husband. If the husband is demanding it, then it’s not truly submission. Only when it’s offered freely, from a heart that fully trusts and fully respects the person to whom it’s offered, is it truly submission. The man who constantly reminds his wife to submit is missing out on a great joy and blessing in life. Any man who truly loves his wife as Christ loved the Church will never have to worry about his wife submitting. It will happen naturally and effortlessly.
Submission is not about the little decisions. It’s not about whether we’re going to McDonald’s or Wendy’s, or whether the wife should have short hair or long. Those are issues for mutual honoring, and compromise. If the wife’s submission is being called into question over things like serving broccoli for supper, or how the socks should be folded, then there’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed … and it isn’t the wife’s problem.
Submission is about the big issues in life. It’s the huge decisions—like how we’re going to educate the kids, or whether we should be missionaries to Iraq—on which you cannot come to mutual agreement. The husband should allow his wife the opportunity to fully express her fears and concerns, and then he should take time to prayerfully consider everything that they have discussed. Once he makes the decision, the wife must decide whether she is willing to submit.
We women have been bombarded with sermons and books and lessons about submission, to the point that it is an odious word to many of us. You don’t often hear teaching about the men’s side of the equation: “Love your wives as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it … Men ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies .… no man has ever hated his own body; he nourishes it and lavishes care upon it….” But what does that mean?
My husband often said, “I would die for her! If someone broke into the house, I would let them shoot me before they got to her!” In a counseling session one day, I shouted, “I don’t want you to die for me! I want you to mow the yard for me!” He was willing to die a hero’s death, but not a servant’s death. Believe me, I’m going to be a lot happier if you do the dishes for me than if you let some robber shoot you for me. And I’ll (probably) kiss you after you do the dishes. You can’t enjoy my kisses if you’re dead.
(Warning: This will not work if you’re only doing it for the kisses. We know when you’re doing it for a reward and when you’re doing it because you want to show us you love us without any concern about whether you get a “reward” or not. And most of us are just contrary enough to withhold the reward if we sense an ulterior motive. I’m not trying to give anyone the idea that we women are perfect little queens, here. We’re ornery little sinners just like men are.)
What we women really want is someone who will keep us company while we wash the dishes and fold the socks. Who will kill the spiders and roaches, mow the yard, and keep gas in the car—without being asked. They seem like such small things, but they are huge to us. And they are more precious than any bullet you could take. And this idea follows directly in the steps of Christ. He was God Incarnate, but He wrapped a towel around His waist, got a bowl of water, and washed the dirty feet of His twelve disciples. That wasn’t exactly enjoyable work. It ranks right up there with changing baby’s dirty diaper.
When a man serves his wife by making her priorities, needs, and desires his own, it gives her tremendous respect for him, and it increases her trust in him. And that increased trust and respect frees her to love him and give to him in ways he never would have believed possible.
Now, I do have to say, ladies, that it works both ways. If you can begin making your husband’s priorities and desires your own, you’ll find (assuming he’s a decent sort of guy) that he will begin making your priorities and desires his own. This is where the wisdom of the Bible becomes so clear: if we “in honor prefer one another,” then we will have peaceful, happy relationships.
I learned a lot from the long illness and eventual death of my marriage. And the issue of submission was a big one for us. But so was the issue of loving the wife. But the biggest problem? Companionship was not there. And that failure led to the other issues, which led to the death of my marriage.
2 Comments
Thanks for your post. The issues you cite are very real and personal for me.
This is a very useful illustration of what submission means, especially in the context of a married couple.