Strong-Willed Kids, part 2

A continuation of yesterday’s thoughts on having strong-willed children.

Those traits can also lead her into situations that will give her a chance to develop a deep-rooted humility and dependence on God.

When you are “strong-willed” and “independent,” it can take some doing for God to teach you the lesson that “there’s a God, and you aren’t Him.” But, of course, that is the first and most important lesson that anyone has to learn. I’m reminded of the story of Job.

Job had it all together. Great family. Great wealth. Great life. Great faith. He was one of those totally, amazingly put-together guys. One of those guys that the rest of go around going, “Wow, I wish was him!” He was so totally, amazingly together that God bragged on how great Job was. And Satan said, “Well, DUH. He has everything and he’s totally protected. You won’t let me so much as make his hair fall out. I’ll lay You any odds that if You would just let me have at him, he’d turn his back on You so fast Your head would spin.” And God said, “You’re on. Just don’t kill him.”

So Satan attacked Job with everything he had. Killed his kids. Destroyed his wealth. Gave him physical pain and illness. Satan hit Job with a couple of atom bombs. A lesser man would have lost his faith. Job’s own wife told him to curse God and die. But what did Job say? “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” That is to say, “Even if God kills me brutally, I will continue to trust Him.” What a strong will!

I’ve hit a few such things in my life. That wreck I mentioned yesterday, for example. I don’t like what it did to me. The aftermath of the injuries, while not readily apparent, is devastating. It would be easy to say, “God didn’t protect me. He let me down. I won’t believe any more.” But my faith is not rooted in circumstances. My faith is rooted in Truth. So I believe. I believe even as I lie, weeping, at my Father’s feet, begging Him to help me understand why this had to be. Begging for strength to carry on just one more day. Strength to live out His love to others, even when I don’t feel very loved myself.

There were other things that were my fault, that led me into deep, dark places where it seemed there was no way out. Where I had to admit, both privately and publicly, that I had royally screwed up, that there was no hiding it, and that I needed help. Deeply humbling experiences. Some of them deeply embarrassing or humiliating. Like the death of my marriage, which ended in divorce. Like the incredible amount of debt I accrued, got mostly paid off, and then re-accrued. Deeply humiliating.
Because a strong will, when not tempered by wisdom, reliance on God, and humility, will lead a person into self-indulgence and foolishness. And when the person is found out, when their failures and foolishness are revealed publicly, when things that they thought were secret were made very, very public, it’s dreadfully humiliating.

That is why I encourage parents of strong-willed, independent children to stick to their guns. To consistently enforce the rules and reinforce the lesson that our choices have consequences. Even the choices that seem trivial. Teach these children to use their strong will to rule themselves with a rod of iron, so that God and life won’t have to.

Guide her and train her in controlling and disciplining her strong will, and you will have a woman of amazing character and strength who will be a credit to your love and encouragement all the days of her life.

That is what my blessed parents did for me. It wasn’t easy. For me or for them. But we made it through. I am grateful that my parents understood their role as parents. That they were not there to be my friends, but that they were there to guide me — to drag me kicking and screaming in protest when necessary — to hold me accountable to the law of sowing and reaping. To teach me that my words, actions, and attitudes have consequences. And I firmly believe that our current friendship is due to the fact that they were willing to forego friendship in my formative years in order to train and guide me.

I trust my parents. Among my peers, that is a pretty radical statement. I don’t know a lot of my friends who can say that about their parents. And I trust them because they were consistently strong with me. They didn’t tolerate back-talk, nasty attitude, or disobedience. But they never made me feel as if I, in and of myself, was a horrible person. I wouldn’t blame them if they had. The number of times I would scream that they were ruining my life. That they were mean. That I hated them.

It would have been so easy, in the face of my rage and my resistance, for them to back down, to throw up their hands in despair and give up on me. Thank God they didn’t. They kept pushing. Kept confronting. Kept teaching. Kept talking. Kept holding me accountable.

Being the parent of a strong-willed child is exhausting. But when you reach the end of the training period and the definition of “parent” changes from “person who is responsible for me” to “person who tried to give me the tools to cope with life” … then, I think, you find the battle worth it. My parents and I did, at least.

And while I am still strong-willed and independent, I don’t think of that as a bad thing. Because my independence is rooted in a desire to please, love, and serve God, and to be a credit to the two who gave their all to help me mature.

It is hard to describe without seeming judgmental, but I don’t think God intended Woman to be a weak, fragile, parasitic thing that cannot fend for itself. Certainly the “Ideal Woman” of Proverbs 31 is no shrinking violet. And if a man is wise enough to find himself such a woman of strong will and admirable character, he is lucky. Such a woman will brave the pits of Hell itself to defend and protect him, so long as he values her and does not try to crush her spirit. In the battle that is life, one wants a warrior by one’s side, not a pet monkey in one’s saddlebags. The one will help you fight; the other has to be carried, protected, and looked after. The one adds to your strength; the other draws from your strength, weakens you.

So rejoice in your “incredibly stubborn, willful and highly intelligent daughter”; train her as God leads and as wisdom directs, and then release her to live a joyful, triumphant, successful life.

Tags: challenges, character, child-rearing, children, Christianity, Family Life, parenting, True Stories