The Never-Ending Funeral
At the risk of being too depressing, I want to talk about life after divorce when kids are involved. I don’t know how it is for those who are divorced with no kids, but I fantasize that in some ways it must be easier. (And don’t set me straight if I’m wrong, because I need my fantasies. They keep me sane.)
I imagine that if you divorce and there are no kids, you never have to deal with your ex again. Or at least, not intentionally or on any regular schedule. Sure, you might run into him — Okay, I’m a girl, so for me, exes are male. If you’re a guy reading this, just mentally swap the pronoun, okay? Thanks. — Sure, you might run into him at the store or at church or at a community event, but it’s rare.
If it was a bad breakup or if you left an abusive situation, you can change the locks or move to a new home, change your phone numbers, change your e-mail or block his e-mails, and otherwise take steps to completely remove your ex from your life. You can toss the pictures or put them in storage. Box up all the wedding memorabilia and store it away … or burn it. Give all the gifts and keepsakes to charity. Empty your life of remembrances.
Sometimes, I dream of being able to do that. But I am divorced with kids.
Now I want to say right off that I adore my children. They are delightful and amazing and wonderful, and I will gladly sacrifice anything on their behalf. And have done. And continue to do so. So none of what I have to say should be construed in any way as reflecting on them.
Being divorced with kids means that you cannot obliterate the relationship with your former spouse. You have to maintain open lines of communication, because there are kids’ schedules and events and visitation to discuss and coordinate. If you move, the ex has to know where you live so he can pick the kids up for visitation. You can’t block e-mails or phone calls. You are forced to continue interacting with your ex.
If you have a decent, non-adversarial relationship with your ex, if you can work with the ex on matters concerning the kids without it degenerating into a fight, you are luckier than you will ever know.
If it was a bad breakup, or an abusive situation, or if your ex turns every scheduling conflict into a war that he must win at all costs, you’re not so lucky. You’re condemned to have to keep trying, for the sake of the kids, to reason with the unreasonable and to negotiate with a brick wall. You usually end up feeling like you’ve been banging your head against that wall. The ongoing conflict can make you suicidal. Or homicidal. Or both.
You end up in the “never-ending funeral.” Continually dealing with the rage, impotence, and frustrations that caused your marriage to break up. Continually mourning the loss of your dreams and hopes for the future. Continually trying to show a brave front for the kids’ sake, while continuing to die inside. If you are a person who struggles to set boundaries, or if you are dealing with a person who refuses to respect boundaries, the struggle is even worse.
If you know someone who is a difficult ex, express your disapproval when they treat their ex abusively or unreasonably around you. Don’t let embarrassment silence you. Stand up for those who are being hurt. If it is done in your presence, it becomes your business.
If you know a single parent who has a difficult ex, offer moral support and a shoulder to cry on when things get overwhelming. Or a safe place to vent and to escape to when “enough is too much,” but the single mom doesn’t want to let the kids see her break down. Sometimes, a single kind word can make a world of difference to a single parent who is miserably trying to make life work for herself and her kids. And sometime, you may just save someone’s sanity. Or their life.
1 Comment
Man, can I relate to this. My ex was a psycho and was impossible to work with. All you can do is to keep on trying and hope that somewhere along the line, things change for the better.